epl: wigan v manchester united (0-5)
funny what a difference a few days can make. the boys came back from a humiliating 1-0 defeat to burnley by destroying wigan 5-0 via 5 second half goals that, albeit briefly, illustrated the potency of our attack when it’s firing from all cylinders in the post-ronaldo, post-tevez (rip) epoch.
mind you, this kind of goal bonanza also makes the pub a much more enjoyable and relaxing environment to sip some ciders and cider some sips. the first half was a bit of a tense affair, chances squandered, looked like more of the same. then, following some chastising of the arsenal fan who kept ordering b-52’s (at 10 am) and saying real loudly after the bar tender belittled him for it, ‘i’m just tryna get nice man!,’ the goals just came one after another.
other pubbish highlights included the bartender making 3 side-by-side white russians with milk and as he poured said milk, realized the milk, which was sporting an aug 23rd (the next day) expiration date, was curdled into cottage cheese-like nastiness. a collective groan was voiced by the 4-replica clad irish guys and myself before one of them called out to the bartender in jest, ‘eh, you even got the vintage here this morning!’ to scattered laughter. ‘fuck you, you see some spoiled milk and all the sudden you think you are a comedian?’ the bartender retorted before taking the entire new half gallon of expired milk and storming around the bar and out the front door, leaving the entire pub— and everything behind the bar— to a dozen and a half rowdy, but obviously quite trustworthy, 10 am football hooligans. he came back a few minutes later brandishing a fresh half-gallon and imitating the pakistani man next store who sold him the bad milk. finally, he made the trifecta of white russians with milk in a liquid rather than solid form. note to self, stick with magners and jameson and guinness.
young wayne rooney, who despite his grizzled shrek-like appearance and balding liverpudlian street fighter facade, is actually only 23-years-old. this man-child scored his 100th and 101st manchester united goals on saturday, becoming only the 20th united player to ever hit that many. bulgarian berba-poo knocked in one himself and worked harder in this second half than i’m pretty sure he worked all of last season. li’l mikey owen even got one as well, coming of the bench. to top it off, michael jackson nani scored an injury time freekick and then did some flips and tumbles and such.
all in all, it was a good day. i also got recruited to play with some of the pub regulars on a storied and historic local team in the best league in the city. could cut into my weekend drinking, but it could also drastically increase my weekend drinking. we shall see.
scholes sighting: started and played 71 minutes. added a yellow card from a text book scholes tackle and pulled the midfield strings all game long. the guardian says he was man of the match. i’m inclined to agree as long at wayne rooney doesn’t eat me.
most terrifying bottle noticed behind the bar: clan mcgregor scotch, a beverage so opulent that it features “The Clan badge, a crowned Lion’s head on a wreath, encircled with a belt and buckle, signifies the unity and loyalty of the Clan.”
