epl: tottenham v manchester united (1-3)
on this day i went to the pub thinking i was dying. i ended up leaving thinking i was dying even more. no, not the best way to enjoy a smashing victory where a 10 man united thoroughly decimated the tottenham defense and valiantly fought back from being 1-0 down after 48 seconds.
there were many eventful noted events of note going on all around me as my head felt ‘like a troop of vengeful satan-midgets on meth are stabbing the back of my brain, repeatedly, with various sized samurai swords and flaming hot pointy iron prodding implements coated with acid while simultaneously blaring ac/dc songs.’ said events included— but were not limited to— money changing hands while horse racing was going on, shots of gin being taken by two 70 year olds with canes, and an obese man with a working class italian queens speech inflection yelling at the top of his lungs, ‘this is a gay sport for european and irish sissies, turn on some real football!’ only to be quickly rebuffed by the man u contingent towards the back of the bar who greeted this terrible excuse for a fellow with boos and jeers and a few not-so-veiled threats to his person. however, this large and boisterous man appeared to be the one doing the aforementioned horse race money exchanging, which served as a cautious reminder that looks can be deceiving in a queens pub at 1230pm on a saturday. after one first half cider i quickly changed my tune and started hitting the ole h2o, hard.
silver giggsy knocked in a lethal bendy left-footed freekick to bring us level before anderson scored his first (w/ the first team) goal (during the run of play) of his united career just before young wayne made it 5 in 5 with a stunna numba to ice the match. next up, an away trip to turkey for the first champions league match of the season where, if you believe the british media, excitable fez-wearing turks with handlebar mustaches are known to go all ottoman on visiting fans and hurl sharpened donner kebabs down on unsuspecting players in 600,000-capacity stadia.
scholes sighting: yes, paul scholes got a red card. this was his first, but probably won’t be his last of this season. sadly. before his legendary tackling skillz (his reputation preceded him on this occasion) ejected him to the early shower, the little man played quite well along side an anderson with a few things to prove.
most terrifying bottle noticed behind the bar: leroux blackberry flavored ‘polish style’ brandy. it tastes like pierogis and catholicism, apparently.
